http://imabeallsome.tumblr.com/
It is mostly stuff that nobody but me cares about. So, yeah, the same.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, September 6, 2009
It Takes a Village of the Damned...
Tuesday President Obama is set to give a speech to the nation’s school aged children. Some parents are freaking out about this. Some of the more freaked out parents want to hold their kids out of school or have their children excused from participation. They are certain that the President will use this time to spread some sort of socialist agenda and propaganda. This makes me remember back to my days in junior high where the kids who were home schooled until 9th grade went to the library during the “sex education” classes the football coaches gave us.
Ok… Ok… I went to the library too. That live birth video is just something I’m unwilling to watch even to this day. You say “beautiful”… I say “gross”, and “vomit”. But, I digress.
I remember when my mother, aunt, and grandmother (all self-proclaimed “yellow dog democrats”) took me to see President Reagan speak at the local college basketball area. I was way too young to vote and too young to care about much more than getting out of class for the afternoon. I don’t recall any of his speech except that he called our up-for-reelection senator “Don Rickles” instead of his name, “Don Nickles”. And honestly that was made more memorable only due to the fact that Dick Clark and Ed McMahon featured it on their hit TV show “TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes”.
That show was awesome… when you’re six. A speech given by the president… not so much.
If I remember how my brain worked when I was six I’m not sure how much propaganda I could absorb. Well those McDonald’s Happy Meal commercials always worked. So if I were President Obama I would make sure to have two homosexual and happily married clowns thrown in to the speech (and by speech I mean Pixar cartoon). I would also have a six foot tall purple blob that was somehow poor and sick all the time, but also happy because his country footed the bill for his medical treatment… even though he is obviously not a legal resident. I would also have a “Hamburglar” type character. He would be the happiest character of all because he’d be reassured that no matter how many people he had murdered on one of his hamburger theft sprees he would not get the death penalty; because in a perfect America there is no such punishment.
That is how the speech should be framed. Prop gags and fart jokes would help too. Every six-year-old loves a good fart joke. Anything less that this is just going to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to a kid. No matter if you are telling them to study hard, or that Guns are bad and the Bible is overrated, they’re just not going to remember it in an hour: Especially if it is almost time for their Sodexo-provided-high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden school lunch.
Sort-of-related-but-mostly-unrelated-accompanying-photoshop: enjoy.
Ok… Ok… I went to the library too. That live birth video is just something I’m unwilling to watch even to this day. You say “beautiful”… I say “gross”, and “vomit”. But, I digress.
I remember when my mother, aunt, and grandmother (all self-proclaimed “yellow dog democrats”) took me to see President Reagan speak at the local college basketball area. I was way too young to vote and too young to care about much more than getting out of class for the afternoon. I don’t recall any of his speech except that he called our up-for-reelection senator “Don Rickles” instead of his name, “Don Nickles”. And honestly that was made more memorable only due to the fact that Dick Clark and Ed McMahon featured it on their hit TV show “TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes”.
That show was awesome… when you’re six. A speech given by the president… not so much.
If I remember how my brain worked when I was six I’m not sure how much propaganda I could absorb. Well those McDonald’s Happy Meal commercials always worked. So if I were President Obama I would make sure to have two homosexual and happily married clowns thrown in to the speech (and by speech I mean Pixar cartoon). I would also have a six foot tall purple blob that was somehow poor and sick all the time, but also happy because his country footed the bill for his medical treatment… even though he is obviously not a legal resident. I would also have a “Hamburglar” type character. He would be the happiest character of all because he’d be reassured that no matter how many people he had murdered on one of his hamburger theft sprees he would not get the death penalty; because in a perfect America there is no such punishment.
That is how the speech should be framed. Prop gags and fart jokes would help too. Every six-year-old loves a good fart joke. Anything less that this is just going to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to a kid. No matter if you are telling them to study hard, or that Guns are bad and the Bible is overrated, they’re just not going to remember it in an hour: Especially if it is almost time for their Sodexo-provided-high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden school lunch.
Sort-of-related-but-mostly-unrelated-accompanying-photoshop: enjoy.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday Stream of Consciousness
About a week ago my neighbor offered me one of his pet geckos. He was asking 30 bucks. I decided that I wasn't in the market for any reptiles or amphibians. He seemed disappointed.
The next morning the EMTs and fire rescue showed up at his house. He walked out to the ambulance under his own power so I was a little relieved.
I suspect some sort of gecko attack was to blame.
Today, in memory of Farrah Fawcett, I watched "Charlie's Angels, Full Throttle".
It is a treat for all the senses, except smell, taste, and touch.
In memory of Michael Jackson I might listen to a little Van Halen.
The other day I found out that I was wrong about the gecko attack... His roommate drop kicked him.
"Scarlet Begonias" just came on the radio. Jerry Garcia was 53 when he died of a drug weakened heart that attacked him. Jerry never dangled any of his kids out of a hotel window. I guess that's what it takes for your death to be plastered all over every news outlet on earth. But hey, Michael Jackson doesn't have a Ben & Jerry's flavor named in his honor. If he did have an ice cream named for him I bet it have fun colors and shapes to appeal to youngsters...
probably a high alcohol content as well.
The next morning the EMTs and fire rescue showed up at his house. He walked out to the ambulance under his own power so I was a little relieved.
I suspect some sort of gecko attack was to blame.
Today, in memory of Farrah Fawcett, I watched "Charlie's Angels, Full Throttle".
It is a treat for all the senses, except smell, taste, and touch.
In memory of Michael Jackson I might listen to a little Van Halen.
The other day I found out that I was wrong about the gecko attack... His roommate drop kicked him.
"Scarlet Begonias" just came on the radio. Jerry Garcia was 53 when he died of a drug weakened heart that attacked him. Jerry never dangled any of his kids out of a hotel window. I guess that's what it takes for your death to be plastered all over every news outlet on earth. But hey, Michael Jackson doesn't have a Ben & Jerry's flavor named in his honor. If he did have an ice cream named for him I bet it have fun colors and shapes to appeal to youngsters...
probably a high alcohol content as well.
Friday, June 26, 2009
dusting it off
It has been some time since I last blogged. That sucks for my reader. I don't have a whole lot to post today. Nothing really happening in the news that I want to talk about.
Maybe I'll just tell you a joke I made up about a week ago:
Ok, I'm off to have some granola!
hugz n kisses
Maybe I'll just tell you a joke I made up about a week ago:
Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
A: Nobody cries when you throw the light bulb down the stairs.
Ok, I'm off to have some granola!
hugz n kisses
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Wayback Machine: Diary of a Landman
I was looking for something in my old myspace blog and I found this.
With all the hate mail my last "Diary of a Landman" drew I figured I'd toss this one out there and see what sticks.
With all the hate mail my last "Diary of a Landman" drew I figured I'd toss this one out there and see what sticks.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Diary of a Landman: No.1
Category: Life
there's not much on tv, and i ate a bunch of candy so i'm up. i really don't have any one thing that would fill out an entire blog post so this will prolly suck.
i drove 80 miles out of my way to go to the wal-mart in Atoka, Oklahoma this week.
scored this hoodie: jealous much?
i got bored earlier so i fake drew a sockmonkey. i like sockmonkeys. i want one for christmas. don't think i'll get one though.
true story: i bought my house in June. i went into the attic for the first time last week. i found some blankets, a set of ice skates, a lamp, and a jar of human teeth.
i think they are human teeth because the jar was labeled "Don's Teeth".
another true story: i worked in Mcalester, Oklahoma this week. i was checking into a hotel and i looked behind the front desk. there was a collage of baby pictures back there. in the center of the collage was the baby's name. it was called "Snowey Winters".
i then went to dinner at angel's diner. it is 1950's in theme and falls under common ownership with the "happy days hotel". i had the al's chicken strips and the slippin and slidin' mashed potatoes and gravy. i almost got the "fonzi's blt", but i gave up eating pork after i read what commercial pig farms do to the water supply.
whenever i'm staying in a hotel i never comb my hair before i go down for the continental breakfast. they're lucky i wear pants.
i went to the Norman municipal court on tuesday. i'm fighting three parking tickets. the assistant district attorney thinks i have a case.
last saturday i walked in the Norman christmas parade. we carried flags for a local bank and were in formation. i walked with my girlfriend, her dad, and her mom who works for said bank. My girlfriend's dad laughed when i asked if i could "goose step".
i wore my wampus cats hoodie back from Mcalester. i made a few stops but was not questioned about it until i got to the panera bread in Norman. there, i fielded two wampus cat questions.
the Pittsburg County courthouse in Mcalester, Oklahoma has a christmas tree in the lobby that sings christmas songs.
today i saw fire rescue and the paramedics responding to a call at my neighborhood grandy's. i'm sure they had to defibrillate some insanely fat person.
my office christmas party is tomorrow afternoon. here are the instructions i received in regard to "dirty santa".
Your Dirty Santa Gifts are chosen at your own discretion!!
They can be just something you have around the house - they can be - good, stupid, ugly, funny or dirty!!
It's up to you - No dollar amount!!
i'm bringing a jar of teeth.
in the thundering words of Jim Rome,
goodnight now
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Wealth and Naming Rights
The NBA Team Formerly Named the “Super-Sonics” has moved to Oklahoma City. Part of the terms of breaking the team's lease in the City of Seattle was leaving the old Super-Sonics moniker behind. Old News, I know, but it got me thinking about names, wealth, and naming rights.
Clayton Bennett is the team’s principle owner and some-would-say orchestrator of the move. He and I are members of the same college fraternity. We're also counted among the throngs of proud alumni of the University of Oklahoma. George Lynn Cross, a former president of OU, once said, "We want to build a university our football team can be proud of.” In 2003, with the help of prominent Oklahoma publishers the Gaylord family (who happen to be the in-laws of Clayton Bennett) a big step toward this goal was taken.
On the heels of a multimillion dollar gift from the Gaylords the university saw many improvements. Included in these were upgrades to the football stadium (then Known as “The Oklahoma Memorial Stadium”) as well as a total physical overhaul of the Journalism Department. In appreciation of this gift the University of Oklahoma Rededicated the stadium as “The Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium". A mouthful I know, but I have grown to love it.
I love it so much that despite not receiving a dime from the Gaylords I have decided to name the newest member of my family in their honor.
I call him "Gaylord", for short.
Clayton Bennett is the team’s principle owner and some-would-say orchestrator of the move. He and I are members of the same college fraternity. We're also counted among the throngs of proud alumni of the University of Oklahoma. George Lynn Cross, a former president of OU, once said, "We want to build a university our football team can be proud of.” In 2003, with the help of prominent Oklahoma publishers the Gaylord family (who happen to be the in-laws of Clayton Bennett) a big step toward this goal was taken.
On the heels of a multimillion dollar gift from the Gaylords the university saw many improvements. Included in these were upgrades to the football stadium (then Known as “The Oklahoma Memorial Stadium”) as well as a total physical overhaul of the Journalism Department. In appreciation of this gift the University of Oklahoma Rededicated the stadium as “The Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium". A mouthful I know, but I have grown to love it.
I love it so much that despite not receiving a dime from the Gaylords I have decided to name the newest member of my family in their honor.
I call him "Gaylord", for short.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Coming Out of Hiding...
It has been an awfully long time since I’ve posted. I’d like to say it was linked to the fear I had that my hate mailer would beat me up, but I can’t. The fact is I haven’t posted due to a lack of motivation and creativity. This has come at a super bad time as I’ve seen a swell of readership. I may be well into the tens of readers by now. It seems if you google the terms “Landman” and “North Dakota” a blog I posted some months ago pops up very near the top of the search.
I’m not exactly sure why this particular search has gained in popularity, but I have a few hunches. Some of my readers, errrr… my former only reader, might be wondering what a “Landman” is. Wikipedia lists the following.
I can’t really find a way to make this post funny or entertaining. So, I’ll cut it short. I would like to add one final thought. Here, in Oklahoma, petroleum exploration is focused mainly on natural gas. Therefore, with the exception of the 3 months I was working in North Dakota, I have spent my career in the evil petroleum industry working toward the discovery and production of Natural Gas, widely thought of as an “alternative energy source”.
I’m not exactly sure why this particular search has gained in popularity, but I have a few hunches. Some of my readers, errrr… my former only reader, might be wondering what a “Landman” is. Wikipedia lists the following.
Landman (oil worker)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In the United
States and Canada, a Landman is an individual who performs various services for
oil companies. According to the website of the American Association of Petroleum
Landmen (www.landman.org), these services include: negotiating for the
acquisition or divestiture of mineral rights; negotiating business agreements
that provide for the exploration for and/or development of minerals; determining
ownership in minerals through the research of public and private records;
reviewing the status of title, curing title defects and otherwise reducing title
risk associated with ownership in minerals; managing rights and/or obligations
derived from ownership of interests in minerals; and unitizing or pooling of
interests in minerals. United States president George W. Bush once worked as a
Landman.
I can’t really find a way to make this post funny or entertaining. So, I’ll cut it short. I would like to add one final thought. Here, in Oklahoma, petroleum exploration is focused mainly on natural gas. Therefore, with the exception of the 3 months I was working in North Dakota, I have spent my career in the evil petroleum industry working toward the discovery and production of Natural Gas, widely thought of as an “alternative energy source”.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
My First Hate Mail
Anonymous said...
July 3, 2008 2:02 AM
in response to:
Diary of Landman the North Dakota files
I told you I had a reader!
I am a landman from North Dakota and you are a complete tool. The only reason I live hear is to rid myself from wanna be cool guys like yourself. ND rocks and if I ever see you in a bar I will give a good old country ass kickn. fagot!
July 3, 2008 2:02 AM
in response to:
Diary of Landman the North Dakota files
I told you I had a reader!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Birthday Blog: Bad Attitude
I really don't want to post anything, but it has been awhile and I don't want to alienate my reader. The only topic that comes to mind is my birthday, which was Friday. My girlfriend asked me a few days before my birthday if I was excited. I lovingly replied, "What, am I five?" I have to report that that elevated level of enthusiasm has carried through to this posting.
For my birthday I watched Casino. I groaned at the desert scene when Martian let his sound editors include "peel out" noises on loose gravel and sand.
Bad attitude continues....
The next evening, Saturday, we went to dinner at my girlfriend's parents’ house. Something was awry, as all of my quips were met by the sound of crickets. I think once, after an attempt at humor, I saw a tumbleweed roll through the kitchen.
Bad attitude continues...
Sunday (yesterday) was dinner at my grandmother's house. My mom thought a fun birthday activity would be to bring over 80 pounds of quarters so we could help her complete her state quarter collection in quadruplicate. She says they are for her grandchildren. So for my birthday I got ass whipped by quarter sorting and guilt-tripped by a grandchild-less mother.
Bad Attitude continues.
I really don't have much else to add to this crappy post. I think I’m just going through the motions, just like my 34th year of existence; which came to a close Friday.
Click... Click...
"good bye, cruel world"
...BOOM
P.S. just kidding. Jesus hates quitters.
For my birthday I watched Casino. I groaned at the desert scene when Martian let his sound editors include "peel out" noises on loose gravel and sand.
Bad attitude continues....
The next evening, Saturday, we went to dinner at my girlfriend's parents’ house. Something was awry, as all of my quips were met by the sound of crickets. I think once, after an attempt at humor, I saw a tumbleweed roll through the kitchen.
Bad attitude continues...
Sunday (yesterday) was dinner at my grandmother's house. My mom thought a fun birthday activity would be to bring over 80 pounds of quarters so we could help her complete her state quarter collection in quadruplicate. She says they are for her grandchildren. So for my birthday I got ass whipped by quarter sorting and guilt-tripped by a grandchild-less mother.
Bad Attitude continues.
I really don't have much else to add to this crappy post. I think I’m just going through the motions, just like my 34th year of existence; which came to a close Friday.
Click... Click...
"good bye, cruel world"
...BOOM
P.S. just kidding. Jesus hates quitters.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Burnt Hair Blended with Smoldering Garbage.
Overnight, we had some sort of electrical storm. The power went out a few times. When I woke up this morning I smelt (that's right "smelt") fire. When I investigated it I found it was my computer. That's probably not good...
So I've been spending this morning doing a "please God, please" system back up.
I'd hate to have to start my pirate mp3 and porn collection over from scratch.
Does anybody have any extra floppies?
p.s. I'm pretty sure "fuel crisis" has replaced "Britany Spears" as the two words I'm most tired of seeing on television... "heat wave" is a close third, "Super Delegate" is fourth, and "brain tumor" rounds out the top five.
So I've been spending this morning doing a "please God, please" system back up.
I'd hate to have to start my pirate mp3 and porn collection over from scratch.
Does anybody have any extra floppies?
p.s. I'm pretty sure "fuel crisis" has replaced "Britany Spears" as the two words I'm most tired of seeing on television... "heat wave" is a close third, "Super Delegate" is fourth, and "brain tumor" rounds out the top five.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Just Some Awesome Stuff I Found Online: 5
I found these user written movie reviews very helpful while searching through Netflix for something to entertain me…
Enjoy.
lylas
NOTE: These are the editorials of the users listed…
They do not represent the views of this blogger.
I present them unedited as I found them on Netflix.com.
No Country for Old Men
Review by Netflix Member: RV 1032212 of Davis Junction,IL
(one star out of five)
“This movie sucked! A huge waste of time. Sure, it makes one realize how hard the world has become and the ineffectiveness of a Sheriff's dept. Ending stunk. Overhyped and with big names. This movies was critically acclaimed cause when else has been released lately than has been worth watching? Tommy Lee has been better in other roles. Josh Brolin was decent. Javier sucked. Reminded of the "Andre the Giant" at a young age. Woody was pretty good in his role, too. Expected so much more cause of all the hype. Wait and watch it on the scab movie channels when it's free.”
In the Valley of Elah
Reviewed by Netflix Member: bno 1329825 of Wesley Chapel, FL
(one star out of five)
“It stunk. But if you hate America and our brave military personnel, you'll probably like it.”
The Bible... In the Beginning
Reviewed by Netflix Member: vaq 1475914 of Alamosa, CO
(five stars out of five)
“While some would think WHO CARES IF IT IS ACCURATE' I do! with so many accounts of biblical events being bloched and changed to be more dramatic so people with slow minds can be entertained makes me sick. I am sick of movies that make futil attempts to bring bible accounts to life. it was a pleasure to see for once someone actually followed the written word of God for a change and not some writer who only brings there rendition of Gods word. Yes it is very slow but you must remember it is trying to put several hundred years of information into just over two hours. It is possibly one of the most accurate renditions of Gods word todate in a movie. It plays more like a dramatized version of the Bible. It is very important for Gods word to be accurately portrayed on and off screen. That is why so many churchs are mixed up and confusion abounds in christian arenas today! because someone did not care about what the word said they just want the preacher to entertain them. Well cancel your plans for heaven becuase it will be accurate and very slow after all enternity does not end quickly oh thats right it never ends.:)”
P.S. I Love You
Reviewed by Netflix Member: COTA of Jacksonville, NC
(five stars out of five)
“OH my gosh!! This is my new favorite movie then the notebook. My husbands name is Jerry and mine is heather. The guys name in the movie is jerry and her name is holly.So you will know what I mean when you watch it. EVERYONE MUST SEE THIS!!! I cried my eyes out!!!”
Enjoy.
lylas
NOTE: These are the editorials of the users listed…
They do not represent the views of this blogger.
I present them unedited as I found them on Netflix.com.
No Country for Old Men
Review by Netflix Member: RV 1032212 of Davis Junction,IL
(one star out of five)
“This movie sucked! A huge waste of time. Sure, it makes one realize how hard the world has become and the ineffectiveness of a Sheriff's dept. Ending stunk. Overhyped and with big names. This movies was critically acclaimed cause when else has been released lately than has been worth watching? Tommy Lee has been better in other roles. Josh Brolin was decent. Javier sucked. Reminded of the "Andre the Giant" at a young age. Woody was pretty good in his role, too. Expected so much more cause of all the hype. Wait and watch it on the scab movie channels when it's free.”
In the Valley of Elah
Reviewed by Netflix Member: bno 1329825 of Wesley Chapel, FL
(one star out of five)
“It stunk. But if you hate America and our brave military personnel, you'll probably like it.”
The Bible... In the Beginning
Reviewed by Netflix Member: vaq 1475914 of Alamosa, CO
(five stars out of five)
“While some would think WHO CARES IF IT IS ACCURATE' I do! with so many accounts of biblical events being bloched and changed to be more dramatic so people with slow minds can be entertained makes me sick. I am sick of movies that make futil attempts to bring bible accounts to life. it was a pleasure to see for once someone actually followed the written word of God for a change and not some writer who only brings there rendition of Gods word. Yes it is very slow but you must remember it is trying to put several hundred years of information into just over two hours. It is possibly one of the most accurate renditions of Gods word todate in a movie. It plays more like a dramatized version of the Bible. It is very important for Gods word to be accurately portrayed on and off screen. That is why so many churchs are mixed up and confusion abounds in christian arenas today! because someone did not care about what the word said they just want the preacher to entertain them. Well cancel your plans for heaven becuase it will be accurate and very slow after all enternity does not end quickly oh thats right it never ends.:)”
P.S. I Love You
Reviewed by Netflix Member: COTA of Jacksonville, NC
(five stars out of five)
“OH my gosh!! This is my new favorite movie then the notebook. My husbands name is Jerry and mine is heather. The guys name in the movie is jerry and her name is holly.So you will know what I mean when you watch it. EVERYONE MUST SEE THIS!!! I cried my eyes out!!!”
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Kanye West, and gained wisdom on my past concert attendance
I went to the Kanye West "Glow in the Dark" concert last night. I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I do enjoy Kanye's music. Also he and I share some things in common. I don't subscribe to his theory that "the government administered AIDS", but we both have Oklahoma roots and we both think pretty highly of our mothers. The show was pretty good. It reminded me of something Bowie would have done, if unabashed ego and unlimited pyrotechnics were involved.
But as usual I found myself hating concerts in general. For about 20 minutes I was distracted from the show while I struggled with the thought that I might be either too old or too sober to enjoy a concert. I finally came to great relief when I realized that it was neither of these things. I've remembered that usually, during a concert, I am seated near what I have dubbed a "Show Ruiner".
Thinking back to all the concerts I’ve ever attended in my life I can count two that were not ruined. The first was the Huey Lewis and the News "Fore" tour and the second was Merle Haggard last June. I saw Bob Dylan back in the 1990's right at the time he decided that enunciation wasn't that important. A year or two later I had floor seats to see the Smashing Pumpkins. The show was great until it started and 13 or so pre-teens decided to leave their bleacher seats and cram into the row in front of me.
This "Show Ruiner" phenomenon is not unique to the music concert. A few years ago Vince Vaughn's "Wild West Comedy Tour" came through town. There was a drunken college kid in front of me and he believed (even though it was a 2000 seat venue) audience participation was welcomed. It got to the point that I had to tell him, "Sit Down; this isn't the Def Comedy Jam". At that point, I had really ruined the show for myself as my request served only to strengthen his resolve to be part of the act.
Last night the "Show Ruiner" came in the form of a guy that dances to every song with his hands up so they obscure both the stage and the jumbo-trons. He looked like an ok guy; the kind of guy that would tell you "anabolic steroids aren’t that bad for you if taken the right way". He was seated about 5 seats from his bestest bud. I could tell they were friends because at least every minute-and-a-half they called out to each other, "Wooooot Woooo!" I think they just wanted some reassurance that the other was still near.
Half way through Kanye's performance the guy went to get what I assume was his ninth or tenth beer (you know, before they stop selling beer). The great thing was that before he returned his "crew" had shifted over and he spent the rest of the show well to my left and out of view. This left me free to enjoy the remainder of the entertainment.
So, I left with two new discoveries. Firstly, I’m not "too old" or "too sober" to enjoy a concert; and lastly, that Kanye West is the Biggest Star in the Universe. I know this second item to be fact because it was told to me by something the “script” of the show called a "shooting star" but looked like a mannequin made to anime proportions that scooted around the stage on piano wire, and the disembodied voice of Kanye West's spaceship, "J.A.N.E.", reiterated the distinction.
But as usual I found myself hating concerts in general. For about 20 minutes I was distracted from the show while I struggled with the thought that I might be either too old or too sober to enjoy a concert. I finally came to great relief when I realized that it was neither of these things. I've remembered that usually, during a concert, I am seated near what I have dubbed a "Show Ruiner".
Thinking back to all the concerts I’ve ever attended in my life I can count two that were not ruined. The first was the Huey Lewis and the News "Fore" tour and the second was Merle Haggard last June. I saw Bob Dylan back in the 1990's right at the time he decided that enunciation wasn't that important. A year or two later I had floor seats to see the Smashing Pumpkins. The show was great until it started and 13 or so pre-teens decided to leave their bleacher seats and cram into the row in front of me.
This "Show Ruiner" phenomenon is not unique to the music concert. A few years ago Vince Vaughn's "Wild West Comedy Tour" came through town. There was a drunken college kid in front of me and he believed (even though it was a 2000 seat venue) audience participation was welcomed. It got to the point that I had to tell him, "Sit Down; this isn't the Def Comedy Jam". At that point, I had really ruined the show for myself as my request served only to strengthen his resolve to be part of the act.
Last night the "Show Ruiner" came in the form of a guy that dances to every song with his hands up so they obscure both the stage and the jumbo-trons. He looked like an ok guy; the kind of guy that would tell you "anabolic steroids aren’t that bad for you if taken the right way". He was seated about 5 seats from his bestest bud. I could tell they were friends because at least every minute-and-a-half they called out to each other, "Wooooot Woooo!" I think they just wanted some reassurance that the other was still near.
Half way through Kanye's performance the guy went to get what I assume was his ninth or tenth beer (you know, before they stop selling beer). The great thing was that before he returned his "crew" had shifted over and he spent the rest of the show well to my left and out of view. This left me free to enjoy the remainder of the entertainment.
So, I left with two new discoveries. Firstly, I’m not "too old" or "too sober" to enjoy a concert; and lastly, that Kanye West is the Biggest Star in the Universe. I know this second item to be fact because it was told to me by something the “script” of the show called a "shooting star" but looked like a mannequin made to anime proportions that scooted around the stage on piano wire, and the disembodied voice of Kanye West's spaceship, "J.A.N.E.", reiterated the distinction.
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