Long, Awkward Prose

Come Visit Me at My New Blog.

2011-07-26T07:58:00.001-05:00

http://imabeallsome.tumblr.com/

It is mostly stuff that nobody but me cares about. So, yeah, the same.

It Takes a Village of the Damned...

2009-09-06T11:16:00.006-05:00

Tuesday President Obama is set to give a speech to the nation’s school aged children. Some parents are freaking out about this. Some of the more freaked out parents want to hold their kids out of school or have their children excused from participation. They are certain that the President will use this time to spread some sort of socialist agenda and propaganda. This makes me remember back to my days in junior high where the kids who were home schooled until 9th grade went to the library during the “sex education” classes the football coaches gave us.

Ok… Ok… I went to the library too. That live birth video is just something I’m unwilling to watch even to this day. You say “beautiful”… I say “gross”, and “vomit”. But, I digress.

I remember when my mother, aunt, and grandmother (all self-proclaimed “yellow dog democrats”) took me to see President Reagan speak at the local college basketball area. I was way too young to vote and too young to care about much more than getting out of class for the afternoon. I don’t recall any of his speech except that he called our up-for-reelection senator “Don Rickles” instead of his name, “Don Nickles”. And honestly that was made more memorable only due to the fact that Dick Clark and Ed McMahon featured it on their hit TV show “TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes”.

That show was awesome… when you’re six. A speech given by the president… not so much.

If I remember how my brain worked when I was six I’m not sure how much propaganda I could absorb. Well those McDonald’s Happy Meal commercials always worked. So if I were President Obama I would make sure to have two homosexual and happily married clowns thrown in to the speech (and by speech I mean Pixar cartoon). I would also have a six foot tall purple blob that was somehow poor and sick all the time, but also happy because his country footed the bill for his medical treatment… even though he is obviously not a legal resident. I would also have a “Hamburglar” type character. He would be the happiest character of all because he’d be reassured that no matter how many people he had murdered on one of his hamburger theft sprees he would not get the death penalty; because in a perfect America there is no such punishment.

That is how the speech should be framed. Prop gags and fart jokes would help too. Every six-year-old loves a good fart joke. Anything less that this is just going to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to a kid. No matter if you are telling them to study hard, or that Guns are bad and the Bible is overrated, they’re just not going to remember it in an hour: Especially if it is almost time for their Sodexo-provided-high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden school lunch.

Sort-of-related-but-mostly-unrelated-accompanying-photoshop: enjoy.

Saturday Stream of Consciousness

2009-06-27T08:18:00.005-05:00

About a week ago my neighbor offered me one of his pet geckos. He was asking 30 bucks. I decided that I wasn't in the market for any reptiles or amphibians. He seemed disappointed.
The next morning the EMTs and fire rescue showed up at his house. He walked out to the ambulance under his own power so I was a little relieved.
I suspect some sort of gecko attack was to blame.

Today, in memory of Farrah Fawcett, I watched "Charlie's Angels, Full Throttle".
It is a treat for all the senses, except smell, taste, and touch.

In memory of Michael Jackson I might listen to a little Van Halen.

The other day I found out that I was wrong about the gecko attack... His roommate drop kicked him.

"Scarlet Begonias" just came on the radio. Jerry Garcia was 53 when he died of a drug weakened heart that attacked him. Jerry never dangled any of his kids out of a hotel window. I guess that's what it takes for your death to be plastered all over every news outlet on earth. But hey, Michael Jackson doesn't have a Ben & Jerry's flavor named in his honor. If he did have an ice cream named for him I bet it have fun colors and shapes to appeal to youngsters...
probably a high alcohol content as well.

dusting it off

2009-06-26T16:23:00.003-05:00

It has been some time since I last blogged. That sucks for my reader. I don't have a whole lot to post today. Nothing really happening in the news that I want to talk about.

Maybe I'll just tell you a joke I made up about a week ago:

Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

A: Nobody cries when you throw the light bulb down the stairs.

Ok, I'm off to have some granola!
hugz n kisses

Wayback Machine: Diary of a Landman

2008-10-14T16:55:00.007-05:00

I was looking for something in my old myspace blog and I found this.

With all the hate mail my last "Diary of a Landman" drew I figured I'd toss this one out there and see what sticks.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Diary of a Landman: No.1
Category: Life

there's not much on tv, and i ate a bunch of candy so i'm up. i really don't have any one thing that would fill out an entire blog post so this will prolly suck.

i drove 80 miles out of my way to go to the wal-mart in Atoka, Oklahoma this week.

scored this hoodie: jealous much?

i got bored earlier so i fake drew a sockmonkey. i like sockmonkeys. i want one for christmas. don't think i'll get one though.

true story: i bought my house in June. i went into the attic for the first time last week. i found some blankets, a set of ice skates, a lamp, and a jar of human teeth.

i think they are human teeth because the jar was labeled "Don's Teeth".

another true story: i worked in Mcalester, Oklahoma this week. i was checking into a hotel and i looked behind the front desk. there was a collage of baby pictures back there. in the center of the collage was the baby's name. it was called "Snowey Winters".

i then went to dinner at angel's diner. it is 1950's in theme and falls under common ownership with the "happy days hotel". i had the al's chicken strips and the slippin and slidin' mashed potatoes and gravy. i almost got the "fonzi's blt", but i gave up eating pork after i read what commercial pig farms do to the water supply.

whenever i'm staying in a hotel i never comb my hair before i go down for the continental breakfast. they're lucky i wear pants.

i went to the Norman municipal court on tuesday. i'm fighting three parking tickets. the assistant district attorney thinks i have a case.

last saturday i walked in the Norman christmas parade. we carried flags for a local bank and were in formation. i walked with my girlfriend, her dad, and her mom who works for said bank. My girlfriend's dad laughed when i asked if i could "goose step".

i wore my wampus cats hoodie back from Mcalester. i made a few stops but was not questioned about it until i got to the panera bread in Norman. there, i fielded two wampus cat questions.

the Pittsburg County courthouse in Mcalester, Oklahoma has a christmas tree in the lobby that sings christmas songs.

today i saw fire rescue and the paramedics responding to a call at my neighborhood grandy's. i'm sure they had to defibrillate some insanely fat person.

my office christmas party is tomorrow afternoon. here are the instructions i received in regard to "dirty santa".

Your Dirty Santa Gifts are chosen at your own discretion!!

They can be just something you have around the house - they can be - good, stupid, ugly, funny or dirty!!
It's up to you - No dollar amount!!

i'm bringing a jar of teeth.

in the thundering words of Jim Rome,

goodnight now

Wealth and Naming Rights

2008-08-09T11:21:00.006-05:00

The NBA Team Formerly Named the “Super-Sonics” has moved to Oklahoma City. Part of the terms of breaking the team's lease in the City of Seattle was leaving the old Super-Sonics moniker behind. Old News, I know, but it got me thinking about names, wealth, and naming rights.

Clayton Bennett is the team’s principle owner and some-would-say orchestrator of the move. He and I are members of the same college fraternity. We're also counted among the throngs of proud alumni of the University of Oklahoma. George Lynn Cross, a former president of OU, once said, "We want to build a university our football team can be proud of.” In 2003, with the help of prominent Oklahoma publishers the Gaylord family (who happen to be the in-laws of Clayton Bennett) a big step toward this goal was taken.

On the heels of a multimillion dollar gift from the Gaylords the university saw many improvements. Included in these were upgrades to the football stadium (then Known as “The Oklahoma Memorial Stadium”) as well as a total physical overhaul of the Journalism Department. In appreciation of this gift the University of Oklahoma Rededicated the stadium as “The Gaylord Family Oklahoma Memorial Stadium". A mouthful I know, but I have grown to love it.

I love it so much that despite not receiving a dime from the Gaylords I have decided to name the newest member of my family in their honor.

I call him "Gaylord", for short.

Coming Out of Hiding...

2008-07-31T10:38:00.002-05:00

It has been an awfully long time since I’ve posted. I’d like to say it was linked to the fear I had that my hate mailer would beat me up, but I can’t. The fact is I haven’t posted due to a lack of motivation and creativity. This has come at a super bad time as I’ve seen a swell of readership. I may be well into the tens of readers by now. It seems if you google the terms “Landman” and “North Dakota” a blog I posted some months ago pops up very near the top of the search.

I’m not exactly sure why this particular search has gained in popularity, but I have a few hunches. Some of my readers, errrr… my former only reader, might be wondering what a “Landman” is. Wikipedia lists the following.

Landman (oil worker)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In the United
States and Canada, a Landman is an individual who performs various services for
oil companies. According to the website of the American Association of Petroleum
Landmen (www.landman.org), these services include: negotiating for the
acquisition or divestiture of mineral rights; negotiating business agreements
that provide for the exploration for and/or development of minerals; determining
ownership in minerals through the research of public and private records;
reviewing the status of title, curing title defects and otherwise reducing title
risk associated with ownership in minerals; managing rights and/or obligations
derived from ownership of interests in minerals; and unitizing or pooling of
interests in minerals. United States president George W. Bush once worked as a
Landman.

I can’t really find a way to make this post funny or entertaining. So, I’ll cut it short. I would like to add one final thought. Here, in Oklahoma, petroleum exploration is focused mainly on natural gas. Therefore, with the exception of the 3 months I was working in North Dakota, I have spent my career in the evil petroleum industry working toward the discovery and production of Natural Gas, widely thought of as an “alternative energy source”.

My First Hate Mail

2008-07-03T08:05:00.004-05:00

Anonymous said...

I am a landman from North Dakota and you are a complete tool. The only reason I live hear is to rid myself from wanna be cool guys like yourself. ND rocks and if I ever see you in a bar I will give a good old country ass kickn. fagot!

July 3, 2008 2:02 AM

in response to:
Diary of Landman the North Dakota files

I told you I had a reader!

Birthday Blog: Bad Attitude

2008-06-23T12:17:00.002-05:00

I really don't want to post anything, but it has been awhile and I don't want to alienate my reader. The only topic that comes to mind is my birthday, which was Friday. My girlfriend asked me a few days before my birthday if I was excited. I lovingly replied, "What, am I five?" I have to report that that elevated level of enthusiasm has carried through to this posting.

For my birthday I watched Casino. I groaned at the desert scene when Martian let his sound editors include "peel out" noises on loose gravel and sand.
Bad attitude continues....

The next evening, Saturday, we went to dinner at my girlfriend's parents’ house. Something was awry, as all of my quips were met by the sound of crickets. I think once, after an attempt at humor, I saw a tumbleweed roll through the kitchen.
Bad attitude continues...

Sunday (yesterday) was dinner at my grandmother's house. My mom thought a fun birthday activity would be to bring over 80 pounds of quarters so we could help her complete her state quarter collection in quadruplicate. She says they are for her grandchildren. So for my birthday I got ass whipped by quarter sorting and guilt-tripped by a grandchild-less mother.
Bad Attitude continues.

I really don't have much else to add to this crappy post. I think I’m just going through the motions, just like my 34th year of existence; which came to a close Friday.

Click... Click...
"good bye, cruel world"

...BOOM

P.S. just kidding. Jesus hates quitters.

Burnt Hair Blended with Smoldering Garbage.

2008-06-09T08:59:00.006-05:00

Overnight, we had some sort of electrical storm. The power went out a few times. When I woke up this morning I smelt (that's right "smelt") fire. When I investigated it I found it was my computer. That's probably not good...

So I've been spending this morning doing a "please God, please" system back up.

I'd hate to have to start my pirate mp3 and porn collection over from scratch.

Does anybody have any extra floppies?

p.s. I'm pretty sure "fuel crisis" has replaced "Britany Spears" as the two words I'm most tired of seeing on television... "heat wave" is a close third, "Super Delegate" is fourth, and "brain tumor" rounds out the top five.

Just Some Awesome Stuff I Found Online: 5

2008-06-04T09:23:00.007-05:00

I found these user written movie reviews very helpful while searching through Netflix for something to entertain me…
Enjoy.
lylas
NOTE: These are the editorials of the users listed…
They do not represent the views of this blogger.
I present them unedited as I found them on Netflix.com.

No Country for Old Men

Review by Netflix Member: RV 1032212 of Davis Junction,IL
(one star out of five)

“This movie sucked! A huge waste of time. Sure, it makes one realize how hard the world has become and the ineffectiveness of a Sheriff's dept. Ending stunk. Overhyped and with big names. This movies was critically acclaimed cause when else has been released lately than has been worth watching? Tommy Lee has been better in other roles. Josh Brolin was decent. Javier sucked. Reminded of the "Andre the Giant" at a young age. Woody was pretty good in his role, too. Expected so much more cause of all the hype. Wait and watch it on the scab movie channels when it's free.”

In the Valley of Elah

Reviewed by Netflix Member: bno 1329825 of Wesley Chapel, FL
(one star out of five)

“It stunk. But if you hate America and our brave military personnel, you'll probably like it.”

The Bible... In the Beginning

Reviewed by Netflix Member: vaq 1475914 of Alamosa, CO
(five stars out of five)

“While some would think WHO CARES IF IT IS ACCURATE' I do! with so many accounts of biblical events being bloched and changed to be more dramatic so people with slow minds can be entertained makes me sick. I am sick of movies that make futil attempts to bring bible accounts to life. it was a pleasure to see for once someone actually followed the written word of God for a change and not some writer who only brings there rendition of Gods word. Yes it is very slow but you must remember it is trying to put several hundred years of information into just over two hours. It is possibly one of the most accurate renditions of Gods word todate in a movie. It plays more like a dramatized version of the Bible. It is very important for Gods word to be accurately portrayed on and off screen. That is why so many churchs are mixed up and confusion abounds in christian arenas today! because someone did not care about what the word said they just want the preacher to entertain them. Well cancel your plans for heaven becuase it will be accurate and very slow after all enternity does not end quickly oh thats right it never ends.:)”

P.S. I Love You

Reviewed by Netflix Member: COTA of Jacksonville, NC
(five stars out of five)

“OH my gosh!! This is my new favorite movie then the notebook. My husbands name is Jerry and mine is heather. The guys name in the movie is jerry and her name is holly.So you will know what I mean when you watch it. EVERYONE MUST SEE THIS!!! I cried my eyes out!!!”

Kanye West, and gained wisdom on my past concert attendance

2008-04-30T11:36:00.007-05:00

I went to the Kanye West "Glow in the Dark" concert last night. I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I do enjoy Kanye's music. Also he and I share some things in common. I don't subscribe to his theory that "the government administered AIDS", but we both have Oklahoma roots and we both think pretty highly of our mothers. The show was pretty good. It reminded me of something Bowie would have done, if unabashed ego and unlimited pyrotechnics were involved.

But as usual I found myself hating concerts in general. For about 20 minutes I was distracted from the show while I struggled with the thought that I might be either too old or too sober to enjoy a concert. I finally came to great relief when I realized that it was neither of these things. I've remembered that usually, during a concert, I am seated near what I have dubbed a "Show Ruiner".

Thinking back to all the concerts I’ve ever attended in my life I can count two that were not ruined. The first was the Huey Lewis and the News "Fore" tour and the second was Merle Haggard last June. I saw Bob Dylan back in the 1990's right at the time he decided that enunciation wasn't that important. A year or two later I had floor seats to see the Smashing Pumpkins. The show was great until it started and 13 or so pre-teens decided to leave their bleacher seats and cram into the row in front of me.

This "Show Ruiner" phenomenon is not unique to the music concert. A few years ago Vince Vaughn's "Wild West Comedy Tour" came through town. There was a drunken college kid in front of me and he believed (even though it was a 2000 seat venue) audience participation was welcomed. It got to the point that I had to tell him, "Sit Down; this isn't the Def Comedy Jam". At that point, I had really ruined the show for myself as my request served only to strengthen his resolve to be part of the act.

Last night the "Show Ruiner" came in the form of a guy that dances to every song with his hands up so they obscure both the stage and the jumbo-trons. He looked like an ok guy; the kind of guy that would tell you "anabolic steroids aren’t that bad for you if taken the right way". He was seated about 5 seats from his bestest bud. I could tell they were friends because at least every minute-and-a-half they called out to each other, "Wooooot Woooo!" I think they just wanted some reassurance that the other was still near.

Half way through Kanye's performance the guy went to get what I assume was his ninth or tenth beer (you know, before they stop selling beer). The great thing was that before he returned his "crew" had shifted over and he spent the rest of the show well to my left and out of view. This left me free to enjoy the remainder of the entertainment.

So, I left with two new discoveries. Firstly, I’m not "too old" or "too sober" to enjoy a concert; and lastly, that Kanye West is the Biggest Star in the Universe. I know this second item to be fact because it was told to me by something the “script” of the show called a "shooting star" but looked like a mannequin made to anime proportions that scooted around the stage on piano wire, and the disembodied voice of Kanye West's spaceship, "J.A.N.E.", reiterated the distinction.

Brian Dunkleman: (and at least two embarrassing admissions)

2008-04-28T10:54:00.010-05:00

Dear Reader,

(Yes, you: my only reader)

Last night I finished up the exciting 4th (or was it 5th, [ehh, my reader won't correct me]) season of VH1's Celebrity Fit Club (embarrassing admission number one). This latest season was comprised of a cast of half "newbies" and half celeb fit club "second chancers". One of these "newbies" was former American Idol: Season One Co-Host Brian Dunkleman. I haven't followed Dunkleman since I watched him on American Idol (embarrassing admission number two). To be honest I never really followed him. When he disappeared from Idol after the first season I wondered to myself what had happened, but never took the time to research it.

Throughout the span of this season's Fit Club I found myself becoming very endeared to the little 5'9" spark plug. Some of the moments that drew me ever so close to the little guy.

(Commenting on Erin Moran's Hemorrhoids)

"Don't sit on it Joanie."

(on Hosting American Idol)

"Is that show still on?"

(on meeting his new cast-mates)

"And then, I was psyched, because I saw Sammy Hagar get off the bus... Then I realized; oh, that's Willie Aames"

(on gaining two pounds)
"awwww, poop."

(on Dustin “Screech Powers” Diamond’s Lawyer)
“I’m sure he wants to kill himself...”

While researching this blog I found that I also was endeared to Brian because he is as dedicated to his blog as I am.

http://dunkelman.blogspot.com/

Many times during my viewing of Fit Club I found myself wishing aloud that I worked in the entertainment industry so I could give Dunkleman a job. He impressed me that much. I wish I had one to give. But I think Brian puts thoughts of wishes best in an observation he made to a Laugh Factory audience in July 2007.

"If wishes came true Ryan Seacrest would have AIDS."

Just Some Awesome Stuff I Found Online. No. 4

2008-04-02T16:16:00.002-05:00

Just Some Awesome Stuff I Found Online (The Third Installment)

2008-04-02T01:18:00.002-05:00

Just Some Awesome Stuff I Found ONLINE (part two)

2008-03-22T16:13:00.003-05:00

meet "the denims"

uuuuuuh?

"knitting again?"

i am insane now

2008-03-21T01:03:00.000-05:00

even sarah can’t defend her boi, kanye, on this one.

would the beatles have made something like this? i don’t even think the dave clark five would have.

(if you got that joke, don’t laugh too hard lest you break a hip)

what has popular music become? i’m going to itunes... i think there’s some new daughtry out.

if you haven't seen it already: i proudly present "Pro Nails" by Kid Sister feat. Kanye West

and p.s.

are those fucking oakley wrap-arounds.

Diary of a Landman: The North Dakota Files

2008-02-01T22:59:00.001-06:00

My job has taken me to the sprawling metropolis of Minot, North Dakota: The Magic City. And, Boy is it! I picked up a copy of a tourism pamphlet at the front desk of the hotel. The pamphlet, aptly titled "Minot, at a Glance", is two pages… but it is front and back. However, the cover is mostly a picture of a wagon or cabin or some shit.

I got in Monday night. Tuesday it was minus 20… Wednesday it was about minus 28. It was nice Thursday and today, and it could reach 11 above tomorrow so I have that going for me. What I don't have going for me is common sense or a knack for planning.

I packed the only pair of longjohn bottoms I owned and have been wearing them for almost a week now so I thought it would be a good idea to pick up a "just in case" pair.

So I went to Wal-Mart.

Anybody that knows me knows I hate Wal-Mart, but I found out that the Minot High School mascot is the "Magician" and he looks like that mecca-lecka-hinnie-ho thing from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. And I've found some local fare at the small town Wal-Mart in the past.

But I failed to realize that I was in one of the poorest states in America… and I failed to realize that today is the straight up FIRST of the month… and a Friday.

I found a parking place and shoe horned my rental car into a space. It was a little tight because there were 7 or 8 baskets already there. When I got out the guy that collects the baskets gave me a dirty look, but whatever… it isn't my fault he has to work outside.

I went inside and found the men's department. I saw before me miles of denim and all the thermal tops I could ever want, but no bottoms. In fact they had sharpied out the word "Bottoms" on the area of the bins where the bottoms used to be to make room for more tops.

Strike one:

I then wandered around looking for anything with the Minot High Mascot on it. Again I was doomed. I saw no signs of the Amazing Carnack. But I did find the official uniform of Minot, North Dakota so I picked one up just to fit in.

Strike one and a half:

I took my purchases to the "Speedy Checkout: 20 items or less" aisle. I got in this lane at about 7:10 in the P.M. I failed to notice the two migrant workers speaking Spanish to each other in front of me. I also failed to notice that they had, each, at least 47 items. By the time I noticed these guys I had already invested too long in line to move, and the other express lane was twice as long as it was full of the people that noticed the two gentlemen in front of me.

By this time it was 7:20 or later and I had decided that I was going to endorse Mike Huckabee for president. I've decided to endorse him despite the awful and scary religious crap he says and I assume believes. I am supporting him because of his views on immigration. I am now totally pro-building-a-tall-wall-or-fence-or-moat-filled-with-sharks-or-feces. I don't care about them taking our jobs, or health care, or buying up all our phone cards. What I do care about is that they waltz or salsa or whatever into our Wal-Marts without a grasp of the English language. So I want there to be a migrant worker test and in order to pass you have to read or at least recognize the words (in English) "20 items or less".

I finally got to the cashier at 7:28. I paid quickly for my items, and the cashier said she was so sorry I had to wait so long.

I asked her "how do you say 20 items or less in Spanish?"
She said something like, "I'm not sure."
But... I already knew that.

I did find a copy of Mel Brooks' "A History of the World, Part 1". That's good, but sometimes I find his humor a bit racial.

Oh yeah… I also got my Minot, North Dakota Uniform.

Welcome to Icelahoma

2007-12-12T10:59:00.000-06:00

Ice-pocalypse '07 has passed. There are hundreds of thousands of people all over the region still without power or heat. But as of 9:00 pm CST last night my household was restored to the Twentieth Century so I am calling this disaster officially "OVER".

48 plus hours of no lights and no heat have done little to make me appreciate the little things in life. I nearly went mad without television. Sure, I could have read a book... but effe that! If I am going to do something like reading, you'd better damn-well bet it will be on MY TERMS. No "act of God" will "force" me to do anything... I am bigger than that... ya hear?

It got down to 47 degrees F in my house so by enduring that I think I am entitled to certain things. It took all my will power to not take the easy way out and start a charcoal fire in the bath tub. So instead of sealing off the 6X8 water closet and enjoying the toasty, sooty embrace of Carbon Monoxide poisoning I just slid into my thermals and threw an extra coat on.

Instead of hooking a space heater to a car battery I just put my stocking cap on and used the heat of my two dogs to keep my body core and genitals warm. I didn't take the easy out and go to a hotel or the Super Dome. Nor could I have scaled my roof and waved my arms until the CNN helicopter saved me from the swirling flood of sleet. Nobody floated past my house in a motorboat to rescue me from the rising cascade of ice and broken tree limbs. Instead I took it like a man… I waited it out.

Now I'll be waiting for my FEMA check...

The Longest Blog I've Ever Written: the final post

2007-10-25T15:28:00.001-05:00

#29:
In 1979, the Oklahoma State Senate, named the 76 foot tall Golden Driller as the state monument.

#28:
The Summer of 1980 Heat Wave - This event is well remembered by many Oklahomans as the most prolonged and severe heat wave outside of the dust bowl years. The 50 days of triple-digit temperatures at Oklahoma City stands as an all- time record- the maximum of 110°F is the hottest day on record outside of the dust bowl.

#27:
1981 Susan Powell, of Elk City begins her reign as Miss America. Susan is currently the host of Home Matters, her own one-hour series on The Discovery Channel.

#26:
July 5, 1982: The Penn Square Bank Collapse. At its failure the bank was servicing approximately $2 billion in loans (mostly for speculative Oil and Gas exploration). Its folding became the largest bank failure in the FDIC’s history. Less than half of the Penn Square Bank’s deposits were insured at the time.

#25:
1983: Facing the fact that the Oil Boom of the 1970’s was officially over, the Oklahoma economy was going to hell, and that falling state revenues complicated a balanced budget requirement in the state constitution Governor George Nigh cut appropriations and launched a series of tax increases that lost for Oklahoma its claim to one of the lowest tax burdens in the nation. (P.S. oil slipped to about $5 bucks a barrel and where was the government to bail out our economy? Shut you holes crybaby Prius drivers.)

#24:
1984, Hoyt Axton stars in Gremlins.

#23:
Oct 19, 1985: Norman. Future NFL Hall-of-Famer Troy Aikman has his leg broken in a game the Sooners lost to the University of Miami. This injury and the emergence of back up Quarterback Jamelle Holieway forces Aikman to transfer to UCLA. And the rest is history: (Side Note) the winning quarterback that day, 107 year old Vinnie Testaverde is still playing in the NFL.

#22:
On August 20, 1986, 14 employees were shot dead and six wounded at the Edmond, Oklahoma, post office by a postman, Patrick Sherrill, who then committed suicide with a shot to the forehead. The term “Going Postal” while not coined until the mid 1990’s has its roots in this event.

#21:
You can thank Oklahoma for the Lawrence Welk Show: In 1987, OETA brought “The Lawrence Welk Show” weekly series to public television and for the past 16 years has produced the series that is seen weekly by more than 2.5 million viewers. It is also the number-one syndicated weekly series on public television and is aired by 277 PBS stations nationally.

#20:
1988: At age 16, Matt Hoffman of Edmond becomes the youngest Pro the sport of BMX has ever seen.
(I’m not sure I know who Matt Hoffman is but ’88 was a slow year)

#19:
April 22, 1989. Oklahoma celebrates 100 years since the day it officially took land from displaced Native Americans and gave it away via the Land Run of 1889.

#18:
1990: Tommy Morrison of Tulsa stars opposite Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V.

#17:
September 21, 1991: I Adore Mi Amor, by Color Me Badd reaches Billboard's #1. The song was knocked from the top spot two weeks later by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's Good Vibrations. Although I Want to Sex you Up was featured in the movie New Jack City no members of Color Me Badd enjoyed any major film success.

#16:
1992 : Jim Montgomery, a paraplegic who smoked cannabis to relieve muscle spasm, busted for two ounces of marijuana in Oklahoma, arrested and sentenced to life plus 16 years.

#15:
March 1993: The 50th Anniversary of one of if not the most influential Broadway Musicals, Oklahoma! Was celebrated at Rainbow and Stars in New York City.

#14:
February 1994: Oklahoma’s greatest football coach, Bud Wilkinson dies of congestive heart failure.

#13:
April 19, 1995 the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City Bombed… (In your frickin’ face WTC Bombing [First Attempt])

#12:
1996: Edmond Oklahoma’s own Shannon Miller Leads the US Olympic Gymnastics team to Gold, and picks up an individual gold for herself on the balance beam. Shannon Finishes her Olympic Career with a total of 7 medals, the 2 gold coming in the 1996 Games.

(Also we won another Miss America)

#11:
March 1997: Jennifer Miriam of Oklahoma city sheds for Playboy. The notoriety she would receive from her playmate spread would launch her strait to a bit part with Matthew McConaughey and Skeet Ulrich in The Newton Boys.

#10:
July 16, 1998, Moore Oklahoma, Cindy Taylor, AKA Jesse Jane turns 18.

#9: May 8, 1999: Dana Plato dies of an apparent Suicide by overdose: Moore, Oklahoma.

#8:
2000: Megan Mullally who grew up in Oklahoma City won an Emmy for Best Supporting Actress for her work as Karen Walker on Will and Grace

#7:
Sometime in the year 2001 in Oklahoma City: Hinder is born
(Three hours later… music dies)

#6:
May 2002: a stretch of Interstate 40 collapses into the Arkansas River in Webber Falls, Oklahoma

#5:
2003: Duncan Native Ron Howard and Mitchell Hurwitz create Fox’s Arrested Development.

#4:
October 20, 2004: Borat addresses the Oklahoma Traffic Commission.

#3:
On May 25, 2005, Carrie Underwood of Checotah, Oklahoma was crowned the winner of the fourth season of American Idol.
(In your frickin’ face Bo Bice!)

#2:
2006: The girl that grew up next door to me, Milena Govich joins the cast of one of the hundreds of Law and Order shows… I think maybe it was the main one.
(Also we won another Miss America)

#1:
2007: Nothing has really happened this year so far… but there’s still hope something really awesome could happen. So I guess I’ll have to award the most meaningful even in Oklahoma for the year 2007 as this stupid, ridiculously time consuming and under appreciated blog post.
(Also we won another Miss America)

The Longest Blog I've Ever Written: Part Two

2007-09-25T11:28:00.001-05:00

#64: Oklahoma! is the first musical play written by Rodgers and Hammerstein. A special Pulitzer Prize award was given to Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II for Oklahoma! The original Broadway production opened on March 31, 1943. It was a box-office smash and ran for a then unprecedented 2,212 performances

#63: Jack Guthrie & Woody Guthrie record Oklahoma Hills – Oct. 16, 1944.

#62: 1945: Roy Rogers, Trigger, and Gabby Hayes star in Man from Oklahoma.

#61: Candy Clark Born: June 20, 1947, Norman, Oklahoma.

(What? I'm the only American Graffiti fan?)

#60: Sipuel v. Board of Regents of University of Oklahoma, US Supreme Court Decided 01/13/1948. Sipuel applied for admission to the School of Law of the University of Oklahoma, the only institution for legal education supported and maintained by the taxpayers of the State of Oklahoma. Petitioner's application for admission was denied, solely because of her color. (This makes Sipuel the second most famous person of color associated with the OU Law School behind Anita Hill)

#59: 1949: The Bartlesville (OK) Phillips 66ers won the championship of the National Industrial Basketball League. The team won the league championship in 11 of the league’s 14 seasons.

(In your frickin’ face New Orleans Hornets!)

#58: September 1, 1950 Dr. Phil was born in Oklahoma, to Jo and Jerry McGraw.

#57: 1951: The scissor-tailed flycatcher was named as Oklahoma’s State Bird. (It isn’t really the mosquito… I don’t care what my t-shirt says)

#56: 1952: Frank Lloyd Wright's only skyscraper, the Price Tower is built in Bartlesville, Oklahoma. (In your frickin' face Lower Manhattan [the original conceived building site])

#55: 1953: The Oklahoma Football Winning Streak Began: The streak spanned five seasons from 1953-57. The streak began with a 19-14 win against archrival Texas in the Cotton Bowl in Dallas on Oct. 10, 1953. Oklahoma holds the NCAA record for most consecutive wins by a major college program at 47-straight.

#54: 1954: Nannie Doss Confesses: A rare female Serial Killer responsible for the death of at least 11 people. She finally confessed in October 1954, when her fifth husband had died in a small hospital in Tulsa, Oklahoma. In all, it was revealed that she had killed four husbands, two children, her two sisters, her mother, a grandson and a nephew. She has been given the monikers "The Giggling Granny" and "The Jolly Black Widow".

#53: March 28, 1955 in. Reba McEntire, born in McAlester, Oklahoma.

#52: July 1956: Bobby Fischer, at the age of 14, plays in his first U.S. Open Chess Tournament in Oklahoma City, winning 5 games, drawing 7 games and tied for 4th-8th place.

#51: Self-billed as the "World's Largest," (But only in square footage: 29,135 square ft) the McDonald's that spans the Will Rogers Turnpike of I-44 near Vinita, Oklahoma was originally built when the turnpike opened in 1957 as one of the "Glass House" restaurants, owned by the now-defunct Interstate Hosts company.

#50: 1958: The First Civil Rights "Sit-In" staged in Oklahoma City: Clara Luper, a history Teacher at Oklahoma City's Douglas High School, refuses to leave a downtown lunch counter with a handful of her students after being refused service based on their ethnicity.

#49: April 7, 1959, Oklahoma ends prohibition, after 51 years... You can now enjoy a shot with your 3.2 beer.

#48: Born May 14th, 1960: Mediocre Pro Wrestler "Dr. Death" Steve Williams.

#47: October 31, 1961 With the annexation of 42.7 square miles of land today, Oklahoma City became the largest City in area in the United States. (Suck on that!)

#46: Troyal Garth Brooks born February 7, 1962 in Tulsa, Oklahoma. (Key decisions to be made later in life: Which terrible shirt to wear and which terrible name to go by.)

#45: December 18, 1963 Brad Pitt born in Shawnee

#44: Aired: September 26, 1964: ABC'S WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS coverage of the Oklahoma Live Rattlesnake Hunt.

#43: January 31, 1965: US Women's Team Handball Olympic Ledged, Kim Clarke, was Born in Tulsa.

#42: June, 1966: Weatherford native, Thomas Stafford commands NASA's Gemini 9.

#41: 1967: The Second Miss America from Oklahoma, Jane Jayroe, is crowned.

#40: November 1968: Oklahoma sits its first African American Judge: Assistant Attorney General Charles L. Owens.

#39: 1969: Merle Haggard Released "Okie From Muskogee".

#38: April 1970: Beaver Oklahoma: Cow Chip Throwing becomes a sport. The town of Beaver should be proud of its undisputed title: Cow Chip Throwing Capital of the World. It is here that the World Championship Cow Chip Throw is held each April.

#37: The McClellen-Kerr Arkansas River Navigation System opened, connecting Tulsa (and Oklahoma) to the Mississippi River. Tulsa Port of Catoosa is one of the largest, most inland river-ports in the United States. It was opened in 1971.

#36: 1972: Oral Roberts inducted into the Oklahoma Hall of Fame. Harrumph!

#35: 1973: George C. Scott, Faye Dunaway, and Jack Palance star in Oklahoma Crude.

#34: In 1974, after the resignation of Nixon Carl Albert, as speaker of the House was the de-facto Second-in-Command to Gerald Ford. The closest and Oklahoman has ever come to the presidency.

#33: November 2, 1975 Danny Cooksey, born in Moore Oklahoma. He played Sam (white kid) on Diff'rent Strokes. And he also played Bobby Budnick (ugly kid) in Nickelodeon's Salute your Shorts.

#32: In 1976, Mary Hart moved to Oklahoma City, where she spent three years co-hosting "Dannysday," a noontime talk show on the NBC affiliate.

#31: 1977: Oklahoma is the first state to adopt lethal injection as a method of execution.

(In your frickin' face Electric Chair!)

#30: In 1978, Oklahoma City's Southwest Radio Church published a pamphlet entitled God's Timetable for the 1980s in which were listed prophecies for each year of the 1980s, culminating with Christ's return and the establishment of his kingdom on Earth in 1989. I'm sorry the World ended and you're not reading this.

Just some awesome stuff I found online.

2007-09-21T00:25:00.001-05:00

enjoy.

Hi, I'm Clif and I'm...

2007-09-19T11:50:00.000-05:00

an Okie.

No ID needed, here's the proof.

The Longest Blog I've Ever Written. Oklahoma History Part 1: I bet you don't read it.

2007-09-10T00:58:00.001-05:00

A list constructed by me to celebrate the upcoming Oklahoma Centennial.
One memorable / important moment from every year of statehood!

#100: On November 16, 1907, Oklahoma was established as the 46th state in the Union.
(In your frickin’ face New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii!)

#99: In 1908 Oklahoma’s first Prison was established in McAlester.

#98: Geronimo died of pneumonia at Fort Sill, Lawton, OK on 2-17-1909

#97: The state capital was moved to Oklahoma City in 1910
(In your frickin’ face Guthrie!)

#96: November 11, 1911. (11/11/11) is the only date left in the record books on which the existing record high and record low temperatures were recorded on the same day. The temperature reading at Oklahoma City for the afternoon had a high of 83°F, but that dropped to a midnight low of 17°F.
(That sounds like Oklahoma)

#95: Jim Thorpe wins Olympic gold medals in the pentathlon and decathlon, 1912

#94: 1913: Oklahoma wildcatters strike oil in the Healdton Field, drilling a well in 18 days that brings in a gusher at 920 feet. The Garber, Oilton, Sholem-Alechem, Tatum, and Velma fields will come in next year, but the Cushing and Healdton fields alone will be credited with making Oklahoma the leading U.S. oil producer, and it will remain among the top five states in terms of oil production.

#93: July 20, 1914, construction begins on the state capitol building…
(We finished it in 2002… no shit.)

#92: MUSKOGEE, Okla., Aug. 28. 1915: WOMAN FINED $1,000,000.; Judge Gives her 99-Year Sentence. Judge Quoted: "Mandy has been a continual pest to the city of Muskogee for years. She was always causing trouble by getting drunk and doping up."
Hmmm. So they do Smoke Marijuana in Muskogee…
(In your frickin’ face Merle Haggard!)

#91: USS Oklahoma (BB-37), a 27500-ton Nevada class battleship was commissioned in May 1916. She was destroyed, ironically, by methamphetamine fueled Japanese Kamikaze Pilots at Pearl Harbor.

#90: Green Corn Rebellion of 1917: Groups of men numbering probably 400 in the aggregate armed themselves and were gathering in several places in south-central Oklahoma, prepared to resist forcibly their selection as soldiers under the draft law.
Hmmm. So they do burn their draft cards down on Main Street.
(In your frickin’ face, two times, Merle Haggard!)

#89: Sam Walton, born in Kingfisher, Oklahoma on March 29, 1918
(In your frickin’ face Bentonville, Arkansas)

#88: The Career of Iron Eyes Cody's (AKA: Indian that cries when you litter) began when a film crew came to his family's farm in Oklahoma to shoot "Back to God's Country" (1919).

#87: Tony Randall born February 26, 1920 – Tulsa Oklahoma

#86: On May 30, 1921 The Tulsa Race Riot, also known as the 1921 Race Riot, the Tulsa Race War, or the Greenwood Riot, began… It lasted until June 3rd.
(In your frickin’ face Rodney King Riots!)

#85: Blake Edwards, born William Blake Crump in Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 26, 1922, known for his collaboration with Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther movies.

#84: The Birth of Owen Field: University of Oklahoma, Norman, OK. The first game played at the site took place Oct. 20, 1923 (a 63-7 win over Washington, Mo.), before the stadium construction plan got under way. The field was named Owen Field after Bennie Owen, who became a charter member of the National Football Hall of Fame.

#83: The Babbs Switch School Fire 12-24-1924: A man dressed as Santa was set a blaze when his coat caught one of the candles decorating the Christmas tree in the one room school house. The school, being freshly painted went up quickly and the fire left 25 dead. The School doors opened inward and all the windows were nailed shut and covered in chicken wire. Most of the public buildings in Oklahoma came under strict safety regulations as a result of the Babbs Fire.

#82: The present Oklahoma State Flag adopted by the State Legislature in 1925, is Oklahoma's 14th flag.

#81: 1926: Norma Smallwood of Tulsa, Oklahoma was the first Native American (Cherokee) to capture the Miss America title.
(I'll save any "Smallwood" jokes)

#80: With Tulsa Business man and “The Father of Route 66” Cyrus Avery as its champion, Route 66 was first signed in 1927 as one of the original US Highways, although it was not completely paved until 1938.

#79: GUTHRIE, Okla., Dec. 25 - Thomas Sloan, (at the time) believed to be Oklahoma's oldest citizen, celebrated his 116th birthday, on Christmas Day 1928. 'Uncle Tommy' Sloan of Guthrie admits joy in another Christmas but again says it is his last. He died the next summer.
(Way to call your shot Uncle Tommy!)

#78: John Polk Allen born on May 6, 1929 in Carnegie, Oklahoma, CEO of Space Biosphere Ventures Inc., builder of Biosphere 2.

#77: 1930: Dust Bowl begins…
(Following the annual Dust Bowl parade The University of Oklahoma defeated an out matched Maryland team 16-2)

#76: October 20, 1931 Mickey Mantle was born in Spavinaw, Oklahoma, he was named in honor of Mickey Cochrane, the Hall of Fame catcher from the Philadelphia Athletics, George Costanza’s hypothetical son was wished to be named “Seven” in honor of Mantle.

#75: Nov 27, 1932: Oklahoma joined Texas In offering cash rewards for Dead Bandits... Oklahoma policy would pay $600 for Dead Bandits and $100 for Live Ones...

#74: In 1933 after a vicious fight in the Legislature, Oklahomans approved the sale of 3.2 percent alcohol by weight (4 percent alcohol by volume) beer, defined as “non-intoxicating” by the Legislature. Normal beer contains an average of 5 percent alcohol by volume (4 percent by weight), according to the National Consumer’s League.

#73: Golden Girl: Rue McClanahan born on February 21, 1934 in Healdton, Oklahoma

#72: The parking meter came from the fertile mind of Carl C. Magee, who filed for a patent on the invention May 13, 1935. The patent was issued May 24, 1938 as patent number 2,118,318. The world’s first parking meter was installed in Oklahoma City in July 1935.

#71: The all-time record high of 113°F set at Oklahoma City in August 1936, and 115°F in Tulsa.

#70: The first shopping cart was introduced on June 4, 1937, the invention of Sylvan Goldman, owner of the Piggly-Wiggly supermarket chain in Oklahoma City. With the assistance of Fred Young, a mechanic, Goldman constructed the first shopping cart, basing his design on that of a wooden folding chair

#69: 1938: The New Deal Comes to Oklahoma. In December of that year Oklahoma Democrats showed their loyalty to the Roosevelt Administration today by nominating Senator Elmer Thomas for a third term and rejecting the Gubernatorial bid of former Governor W. H. (Alfalfa Bill) Murray, a New Deal critic.

#68: Cleavon “Hey, where are the white women at?” Little, born 1 June 1939, Chickasha, Oklahoma, USA…

#67: Chuck Norris born March 10, 1940, in Ryan Oklahoma

#66: Stillwater, Okla., Jan. 17. 1941 -- Coached by telephone, the Oklahoma Aggies gained command of the Missouri Valley Basketball Conference by downing Creighton's powerful Blue Jays, 41 to 31.

#65: Mar 19, 1942: Oil Well Drilled on the front lawn of the Oklahoma State Capitol. It is still there today, right next to the ’76 Nova on cinder blocks.

check out my new hat!

2007-08-08T08:51:00.000-05:00

How sweet is this? I went in to the old Von Dutch Originals store and all the kick ass flying eyeball gear was gone. But they had a lot of this stuff! Score!!!

Kinda weird, I know. I remember going into this store and getting Coca-Cola Rugby Polos in the 80's. Things change so fast, but i guess if you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

Gotta Run. I'm meeting my Co-Ed Naked Dart Team: It is league night.

Later Haters.

Somebody just Finished Harry Potter, and the Deathly Hallows!

2007-07-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

Yes!
Now I get to start reading "Transformers"!

standing in line for iphones...

2007-06-29T13:01:00.001-05:00

is as retarded as...

excuse me... i have to go squint to see through the scratches on my sorry ass video ipod now.

A family, a sedan, and daughtry

2007-06-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

I dropped Payton, Abigail and Dylan off at the mall. I have a 2:30 tee time and they met this weekend's activity Mom at Build-a-Bear. I'm a little aggravated that I had to drive all the way up to Penn Square. 100 bucks seems like a lot for stuffed animals. If it wasn't for that stupid scrap booking class I wouldn't be the one taking the kids up here. And why couldn't I have taken the RAV-4. It is a lot bigger...

Pastor Dave worked really hard on this week's message. It really showed. The A.V. elements of the service were tops. I know Jesus probably liked it. I wish I knew the name of the devotional song. Maybe Stephan can make me a CD.

I have daughtry in the 6-disk and I think that lady totally just caught me singing "It's not Over". I'm glad I got new speakers for the Sentra. I am a little embarrassed about the singing so I think I'll switch to Jimmy Buffett. Wait, Jars of Clay, how'd that get in there. I'll have to talk to the wife about not changing my cd's around. Maybe she did it because I used the RAV-4 to take our extra garbage to the dumpster behind Subway.

Rear view.

Car seats.

Lane change.

I'm really excited to test out my new grips. I hope I get to Westwood early enough to hit the range. I hope the men's prayer group / Sunday foursome doesn't make fun of me for wearing jean shorts again. But Dylan spilt his Hi-C Orange on my plaid gap shorts when I picked him up at "Kids 4 Christ", so this time it isn't my fault. I should have gotten a new pair at the mall. Sears was right there. It would have been easy.

Just a couple of more years and we'll be able to move the kids out of Moore schools. I like Deer Creek, but the wife still thinks we should pay that extra for Edmond... Well Edmond would be closer to LifeChurch. But they don't let you play in jean shorts on Kicking Bird. And in Edmond, I can just kiss that Maxima goodbye. Sentra-city-sweetheart.

Right Turn.

E-Break.

Trunk pop.

1:57. I can maybe hit a ball or two. The McGregors are heavy today. Maybe Play-It-Again has a lighter golf bag. But I'm tired of playing in my gym shoes. Chris says he is 10 times more accurate out of a bad lie with his new Foot Joys. Maybe I should have gone to CLEET like Chris.

I wonder if American Chopper is on tonight. Oh wait, Sunday is ABC Family. "Meet the Parents" is on, I almost forgot. If I have to watch one more second of High School Musical I'm gonna go postal. I mean it. Mr. Howard and the boys in the bull pen won't know what hit them.
That's aweful. Sorry Jesus.
If I don't sell next week Mr. Howard is totally going to fire me. I don't want to start someplace else, from scratch, again. I worked hard for my leads. They are buyers. I just need a little more time.

Slice.

Fu--

Darn.

How much did I pay for these grips?
Ok guys... comin'

♪ I was blown away... what could I say? I sing to maintenance. ♪

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yuck, I'll be 32 Wednesday.

Mr. Wizard and me not acting like a human.

2007-06-13T08:07:00.000-05:00

R.I.P.

I'd like to think, as he laid there about to meet death, that he wished he'd not spent so much time freezing racquet balls and spent a little longer on a cure for cancer?

Story

Million Dollar Ramen

2007-05-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

What you need:

3 cups of VIP brand Peking Stir-fry Frozen Vegetables (or like product)

1 pack of Smack brand Ramen Noodles (or like product)

2 packets of take-out soy sauce

2 packets of take-out duck sauce

1 packet of take-out spicy mustard

1 frying pan or wok if you're fancy

1 sauce pan

1 TbSp of olive oil

2 Cups water

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Toss 1 TbSp Olive Oil in the fry pan

Toss 3 cups Stir Fry Frozen Vegetables on top of that, cook on Med High.

Bring 2 cups water to a boil in the sauce pan

Continue to stir fry the veggies until they are tender and a little browned, then reduce heat to medium

break up the hard block of noodles into 4 or so pieces, then drop them into the saucepan, boil for 3 mins as directed, stiring occasionally: then remove heat.

open and squeeze 1 chinese take-out mustard packet and 2 chinese take-out duck sauce into the fry pan and stir in with veggies

dump the flavor packet into the ramen noodles, and let stand for a min or so, then strain noodles and toss them in the fry pan with the veggies.

stir in the 2 packets of chinese take-out soy sauce, and stir in for a min or so

serve and enjoy.

Kids on a Plane

2007-05-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

We flew back from our trip out to Pennsylvania and NYC yesterday. In Detroit we got on our connection home and a kid that confuses FAA regulation airplane seats with a moon bounce sat in front of me.

It wouldn't have been so bad if his mother (seated next to him) would have put down her paperback copy of Tuscan Encounter to calm his ass down. So, I drafted a little note to give this kid.

Here is the note.

After a quick review, I ended up not giving it to him.

I thought that maybe some of my wording might have been a little too strong.

This is Slightly Funny

2007-04-26T07:55:00.000-05:00

maybe just a bit:

A Thing I Noticed While Watching "Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School"

2007-04-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

Mo'Nique looks like my dog.

Harry Potter: Smary Smotter

2007-03-29T00:33:00.000-05:00

Everybody (and by that I mean my girlfriend, Sarah) is all excited about the new Harry Potter book cover.

Whoopty freakin doo.

I happen to know what makes a good book cover...

Take that, Earth!

Hi, My Name is Oklahoma Guy

2007-03-17T16:53:00.000-05:00

My favorite color is Realtree™.
My favorite food is Golden Corral.
I enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart, but I LOVE to browse at Bass Pro. ..
I had starbucks once but their iced tea was too strong, and they don't serve Dr. Pepper.
I used to like WWE until it became too corporate.
UFC is real! The Moon Landing was faked.
I am the reason indie bands don't come to Oklahoma.
I am the reason the Oak Ridge Boys come twice.
I listen to Rock 100 the KATT. And I have the T-Shirt to prove it.
My kids wear cammo to Sunday school; my wife wears Looney Toons©… if there's no NASCAR race that day:
Little Coal got suspended for bringing his mama's .22 pistol for show-n-tell.
It was a good thing because turkey season started that week and he shot two.
Last year I went hunting 7 times. I only mowed my lawn twice.
My dog doesn't know what the inside of a house looks like.
I can trace my family back to 5 generations of Oklahomans, and before that we're from Arkansas.
That's a lie... I'm not even sure who my daddy is.
I believe executions are OK: Abortions are not.
I think Ron White is a genius. My son's evolution preaching biology teacher is not.
My truck is white with Realtree™ fender wells and bug visor.
I always back into parking spots.
I have over 300 ceramic statues of wolves and eagles.
I have bumper stickers on my fridge and magnets on my bumper.
Online shopping escapes me… but my wife loves QVC.
She drives a teal beretta. It also wears Looney Toons©.
I always wear a belt, because I need a place to hang my knife and cell phone.
I am Oklahoma Guy.

my old blog