It Takes a Village of the Damned...

Tuesday President Obama is set to give a speech to the nation’s school aged children. Some parents are freaking out about this. Some of the more freaked out parents want to hold their kids out of school or have their children excused from participation. They are certain that the President will use this time to spread some sort of socialist agenda and propaganda. This makes me remember back to my days in junior high where the kids who were home schooled until 9th grade went to the library during the “sex education” classes the football coaches gave us.

Ok… Ok… I went to the library too. That live birth video is just something I’m unwilling to watch even to this day. You say “beautiful”… I say “gross”, and “vomit”. But, I digress.

I remember when my mother, aunt, and grandmother (all self-proclaimed “yellow dog democrats”) took me to see President Reagan speak at the local college basketball area. I was way too young to vote and too young to care about much more than getting out of class for the afternoon. I don’t recall any of his speech except that he called our up-for-reelection senator “Don Rickles” instead of his name, “Don Nickles”. And honestly that was made more memorable only due to the fact that Dick Clark and Ed McMahon featured it on their hit TV show “TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes”.

That show was awesome… when you’re six. A speech given by the president… not so much.

If I remember how my brain worked when I was six I’m not sure how much propaganda I could absorb. Well those McDonald’s Happy Meal commercials always worked. So if I were President Obama I would make sure to have two homosexual and happily married clowns thrown in to the speech (and by speech I mean Pixar cartoon). I would also have a six foot tall purple blob that was somehow poor and sick all the time, but also happy because his country footed the bill for his medical treatment… even though he is obviously not a legal resident. I would also have a “Hamburglar” type character. He would be the happiest character of all because he’d be reassured that no matter how many people he had murdered on one of his hamburger theft sprees he would not get the death penalty; because in a perfect America there is no such punishment.

That is how the speech should be framed. Prop gags and fart jokes would help too. Every six-year-old loves a good fart joke. Anything less that this is just going to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to a kid. No matter if you are telling them to study hard, or that Guns are bad and the Bible is overrated, they’re just not going to remember it in an hour: Especially if it is almost time for their Sodexo-provided-high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden school lunch.

Sort-of-related-but-mostly-unrelated-accompanying-photoshop: enjoy.